you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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