im drinking this country out of the recession.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize