Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
