i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
