you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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