Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
