I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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