I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
