1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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