That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
