You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
