i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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