Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
