i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
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