she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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