did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Porn is love you can see.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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