we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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