A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
