They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
