I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
