Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
