a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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