i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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