she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
