Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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