she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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