That's when you crack a 10am beer
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize