Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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