the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
