I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
