what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
