it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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