Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
