I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
