i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Randomize
