you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
We left the knife in your bed.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
