I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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