i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
