Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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