i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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