Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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