At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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