i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
