You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
