Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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