Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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