I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
worst night to have a conscience
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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