A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
