He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I woke up under a house in Key West
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize