Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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