I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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