My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
