Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
