This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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